My son, guru of my patience

At times, it's easy for you to feel that the world is not on your side especially for us, parents to a special needs child. People glare at us when our son scream-cries, as if we are not trying our best to calm him.

Irfan is not progressing as other children at his age. He can't walk, he can't talk, he can't even express his happiness, his sadness, his pain. And for the past 2 weeks, he has cried a lot. I really mean it, a lottt. It was so hard to calm him down which took everyone's effort and patience to stop him from screaming-crying. However, I am so blessed and thankful that I am surrounded with supportive and helpful family, especially my mom and dad. They are old, very old. And they're putting their health at risk when they decided to care for him, love him and comfort him. They did complained! Of course they did!! But they still care, they still love, they still pampered him. Of how I described them here, you will know, that they're very generous people, genuine and lovely. That's why, I, and even my husband love them tenderly.

Today, we are at the stage where we are totally not sure of what and how we should respond to his behaviour. So astray with unanswered questions! We are not sure what triggers him to cry that way.. Is he in pain? Which part of his body that is in pain? His brain? His muscles? I'm lost! There are some points when I'm having such suicidal thoughts. That I'd rather kill myself than see him cries. Last night, he cried for almost an hour. At his 45 minutes of crying, I cried. Cried hard. I told him that my heart breaks into trillion pieces, that I want to exchange our soul and body, that I've failed as a mother, I do not deserve to be called a mother, I felt guilty not only towards him but also his sisters. Of all what he is experiencing today was because of my past sins, I presumed. I told him that I'm sorry. But I don't know, whether my apologies were accepted. I was left hanging, crying for the rest of the night.

I really hope that Allah has planned for us a wonderful life. I really hope that Irfan is happy to have me as his mother, that he is happy living with us.. And.. I hope that everything will be alright, sooner or later..

I'm so sorry friends. It has been a while that I keep myself from expressing my emotions. Writing is my therapy, it helps me to go through my bad days.