September 13, 2013

Muhammad Irfan, a story of a beautiful boy of us..

Assalammualaikum w.b.t.

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah S.W.T. the Almighty, for giving me the time and chance to write about something so dear to me. It took me a while to gather the courage to finally put this in words. It is the story about my precious son, Muhammad Irfan. I have kept this story to myself and family previously, but now is the right time to tell.

Telling this story feels like revisiting an old wound, painful and something that I would like to avoid. But I know this is the reality and being brave means being able to tell it without hesitancy. Truthfully, I don’t know where to start. In fact, while I’m writing this, I was afraid. Afraid to be labeled as someone who is looking for sympathy. Was it the right thing to do? In all honesty, all I want was to share my experience, especially to those parents who are in the same boat as us.

This is a story about Muhammad Irfan.

October 13th2012, was a date I could never forget. It was the day he was born. It is true, what they say about labor; the long hours of agonizing pain, the anxiety, it felt like you’re fighting a battle, only today, I’m bringing another life into this world. God is great, the all knowing.

The moment when he was put on my chest, I was overwhelmed with this undefined feeling. His eyes were searching for mine, and when they met, I knew I had fallen in love with him. Alhamdulillah.

A short while after that magical moment, he was taken by the doctor for assessment. My battle, however, wasn’t over yet. I was bleeding profusely after the delivery and they had to take extra measures to stabilize me. The pain was unbearable. Despite being in the labor room for more than 10 hours, in my mind, I only think about my beautiful boy. Suddenly there’s this unsettling feeling inside of me. My maternal instinct was trying to tell me something.

After my condition had stabilized and transferred to the ward, I requested to hold my beautiful baby. I want to shower him with kisses and hug him with all my might but things were delayed. My mind started racing with doubts, thinking all the possible things that might happened to him. Worries overcoming me.

Awhile after, he was brought to me by the doctor. I was trying to keep calm and push out all the negativity filling my head. The doctor looked at me with her sad eyes, and placed my beautiful boy next to me. The subsequent words coming out from her mouth broke me. “Darleen, I hope you could be calm and strong with what I‘m going to tell you. We did few tests on your child and we found that his head circumference is smaller than the normal baby. We expect there is an abnormality in his brain.”

I looked deep into her eyes, trying to hold my tears, trying to digest the information, trying hard not to scream. But at that moment, being strong is not possible.

I’m really sorry for saying this, but we expect the child to live between 2 weeks to 2 months because of the abnormality.” I felt my world collapsed. Tears gushed out like a bursting dam, all I could do was kissed and hugged my baby, told him that I love him dearly.

The doctor hugged me and excused herself after that. My husband and my parents were astounded, speechless. My husband, Fandy, hugged me and whispered words of encouragement, asking me to be strong and reassured that he’ll be there with me at every step of the way. Mama hugged me next. I know deep down she wished to turn back the time, when I’m just a small fetus, in her womb, hoping that I don’t have to go through all this. I couldn’t stop crying. My dad came near us, and said something that became my strength until this day. “Brace yourself, even when it’s hard, because God has made it this way. Your beautiful baby will wait for you in the heaven. That’s His promised.”

Subhanallah! (The Glorified is Allah)

On the 7th day of his life, my beautiful boy, Irfan, was scheduled for an MRI. My heart screamed, looking at that small fragile body going into the big noisy machine. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Every step seemed so painful. I could only pray to Allah, for Him to replace my baby’s brain with mine. And if it is His plan to take this beautiful life from me, I am ready. Repeatedly I prayed and prayed for the best.

Allahuakbar, God is the All mighty!

If there is a lowest point of my life, this would be it. I wasn’t completely healed from my Bell’s Palsy, diagnosed few months back. I was jobless at that time, worried sick about Irfan’s condition, and to make things worse, I lost my friends (some, not all), when I needed them the most.
We constantly have countless doubts in our minds. Question of what, why, how, kept playing, with no exact answers, made us more scared than we already were. We received a lot of opinions, perceptions from people around us. Scientifically, Irfan’s brain development was interrupted because of the Dengue Fever I had in my first trimester. That’s the crucial time for baby’s vital organs to develop, especially the brain. Even the smallest slightest error could affect his development.

Alhamdulliah, all praises are for Allah.

Now Irfan is nearing 1 year of age. “Kun faya kun”; Be! And it is! If Allah has made it that way, it will be that way. Irfan is still with us. He can’t sit or crawl or walk or respond like a normal baby in his age, but he is still with us. I am thankful and grateful for that.

We begin to relive our lives. I have a job now and my husband is finishing his studies. Irfan’s treatment, physiotherapy and stimulatherapy do costs us quite a lot, but we will try to give our best for him. As long as we are able and strong, we will work things out for him, for us. Supports from family and closed friends are endless. I admit that sometimes I feel like I’m the luckiest person alive for having this positive people around me during the good times and bad. I know who’s real and who’s not.

One thing for sure, we keep on believing and hold on to the fact that, this beautiful boy, will wait for us in the heaven, as Allah had promised. And our role as his parents is to love and cherish him for as long as he lives. Insyaallah. Our love for him is eternal. Today, his smiles and laughter helps washes off our fears, worries and tiredness.

This sweet beautiful boy of mine is diagnosed with
Congenital Brain Anomaly and Global Developmental Delay (GDD).
Muhammad Irfan, he’s the love of our lives.

40 comments:

  1. Allah is the Most Gracious that will not test His servant because He believes that you can get through this patiently~
    Irfan still with us because of Allah's love and your strength together with Fandy.
    Pray at night a lot and make sure Irfan always watching u praying when he is awake.
    Held him close in your arm when you recite your prayers, make him listen to every words of your dialog with Allah..:)
    I'm not a mother yet let alone a wife~ But i can feel our spirit and motivation to bring up a life in this world~
    Stay strong darleen!
    (Atikah Hatta @ Atie)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ya Allah atie. such an inspiring and well written from you. thank you so much for the du'a. insyaAllah.. I'll try my best for him. thank you again atie. no words can describe how appreaciate I am.

      Delete
  2. syg.ku darleen.dugaan Allah itu ada sebabnya.Allah menguji hambanya ikut kemampuan. . .Cikgu tahu darleen pasti dpt.tempuhi semua dengan tabah.darleenkn kuat.cikgu doakn irfan,darleen n hubby dilindungi Allah.i luv u my sweet xstuden forever.
    cikgu darleen dulu-puchong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. salam cikgu. terima kasih cikgu. terima kasih sgt sgt. insyaAllah, moga Allah permudahkan urusan saya sekeluarga. saying cikgu sgt sgt sgt !!!!

      Delete
    2. berat mata berat lagi bahu yg memikul...semoga tabah!..cikgu doakan yg terbaik utk awak dan irfan - cikgu norli

      Delete
  3. Allah akan menguji setakat mana yg kita mampu darleen! Means dat u are a super strong mom! And ur husband, masha allah i salute him for being a good husband n father. Till jannah you guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you fiey. InsyaAllah. kekuatan ni akan selalu ada dengan izinNya. dan.. Fandy.. Alhamdulillah.. sebab dia yang terpilih menjadi suami..

      Delete
  4. Dear darleen..I'm so touched reading your entry.be strong dearie..osh doakan yang terbaik for your baby..:'(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oshin.. thank you . thank you.. insyaAllah.. semoga semua dipermudahkan

      Delete
  5. Kuatkan diri babe..
    Darleen yg ku kenal dulu, mmg tabah & kuat orangnya..Kan? :)
    Jadi, teruskan leen,jangan putus semangat..
    Demi kekasih hati, pengerang jantungMU yg kecik comey tu..

    InsyaAllah semuanya akan selamat,segalanya KUASA ALLAH s.w.t..

    ~ Ur ex-classmate ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. InsyaAllah. terima kasih babe. Selagi diberi nyawa, selagi tu segalanya aku curahkan untuk anak Syurga ni.
      Terima kasih. Terima kasih atas doa dan semuanya.. (",)

      Delete
  6. be strong my dear kak leen. irfan is a strong baby. as long as u and abg fandy kuat, irfan pun akan kuat insyaallah. we keep praying, may Allah protects irfan :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. InsyaAllah sakina. Allah maha mengetahui apa tersirat dan tersurat. Irfan anak yang sangat kuat semangat. Kekuatan kami pun datang daripada dia juga. InsyaAllah. terima kasih sakina...

      Delete
  7. Be strong leen..Allah bg dugaan pd hambaNya yg mampu shj, sepertimana irfan dijanjikan syurga, Tiba masanya insyaAllah awk n fandy pun akan irfan bwk sama. Kita sama2 doakan irfan ya. Awk kuat leen ,kalau jd kt zara,lala pun xtaw nk buat apa. La doakan semoga awk n fandy tetap cekal dan semoga kasih syg Allah xpernah putus utk irfan.
    Salam syg utk irfan ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you lala. InsyaAllah lala. semoga semuanya dipermudahkan, dunia dan akhirat. Terima kasih lala untuk doa dan semuanya...

      Delete
  8. Assalam darleen....
    X sangka gadis manja dan comel dulu jadi sgt kuat hari ini..ini lah keajiaban naluri keibuan yg Allah titpkan dlm hati setiap ibu..masya Allah. Be strong dear..akak doakan yg terbaik buat darleen, suami dan khas buat Irfan yg comel..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Salam kak Niza.. terima kasih untuk doa akak. InsyaAllah. selagi hayat dikandung badan, selagi tu kasih saying ni tak pernah putus buat Irfan. Segala kekuatan kami untuk dia. Irfan anugerah hebat buat kami.

      Delete
  9. Assalam darleen..
    couldn't imagine how strong u are darleen n family.
    semoga tabah menghadapi dugaan kerana sesungguhnye Allah lebih mengetahui dan Allah hanya menguji hambaNYA yang mampu hadapi segala dugaan yang diberi.
    Semoga Allah berikan yang terbaik untuk irfan dan ibu bapanya..aminn
    assalam,
    siti

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waalaikumsalam siti. thank you so much for such inspiring words, siti. InsyaAllah.. dugaan ni dugaan kecil untuk kami di dunia. ada ramai lagi yg lebih perit dugaannya. Kami sesungguhnya dah cekal dan tabah untuk terus dan terus bg semangat untuk anak syurga ni. Membahagiakan dia di dunia dan akhirat ialah matlamat kami. InsyaAllah

      Delete
  10. Darleen..you are the chosen one. Not everyone can be in your shoes and still inspire others..But not to forget, I do believe that Irfan is a blessing from Allah to you and your family. I can only see the positive outcomes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. InsyaAllah.. May Allah ease our journey, Irfan especially..

      Delete
  11. darleen be strong dgn ujian dr Nya.. i just know what already happen to u and yr baby after reading your entry.. awk mmg kuat.. moge Darleen husband dan Irfan akn tabah menempuhinya i'll praying for u my fern

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ezra. insyaAllah. kekuatan kami ni pun datangnya dari Irfan juga. dia lebih kuat dari kami. Thank you again Ezra for your dua'. Alhamdulillah

      Delete
  12. Ya Allah, darleen~
    Kuatnya kau!!!
    InsyaAllah ini semua adalah aturan yang terbaik dariNya.
    Banyak hikmahnya ni babe.
    Be strong!!
    Doa aku sentiasa buat si comel irfan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you babe.. Thank you. InsyaAllah.. Semoga Allah permudahkan semua urusan.

      Delete
  13. darleen....smoga tabah m'hadapi ujian ini...even kt x pnah kenal,sy doakan irfan akan shat mcm kanak2 lain...Allah bg ujian ni kat awk sbb die tau awk n fandy kuat utk m'hadapi nya....be strong ok....:) krim salam syg plok cium utk irfan...:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. terima kasih.. terima kasih sangat sangat. insyaAllah. semoga dipermudahkan semua urusan..

      Delete
  14. Kk darleen, as i read this.. My tears non stop from falling.. Irfan is the luckiest baby boy and he is beautiful...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sabar ya dgn segala ujian ni, i know saying is easy.. But ya.. I know u strong and ur spirit was unbelievable... My respect is for u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you dearest amira.. insyaAllah.. just pray for the best.. thank you again dear for the doa and all...

      Delete
  16. Assalam Darleen..salam pkenalan dr Kak Lin...k.lin sgt kagum dgn ketabahan darleen...bukan semua org boleh menjadi sekuat darleen... setiap apa yg terjadi pasti ade hikmah yg tsembunyi. Darleen didik & jagalah irfan dgn sempurna...dia ank syurga yg istimewa. Betapa beruntungnya darleen krn zuriat darleen ini kelak akn ke syurga tanpa dihisab...bayangkn betapa bertuahnya darllen sbg ibu yg melahirkn nya sedangkn zuriat org lain belum tentu lg ke mana tuju nya di alam sana nnti...

    Kuatkan smngt ye dik...mnjaga irfan pastinya menuntut pngorbanan & ksabaran yg tggi...k.lin yakin darleen akn jd ibu mithali utk irfan...be strong ye darleen...

    Lind Johari
    -from jb with love-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. waalaikumsalam kak lin. terima kasih sangat2 atas doa dan kata2 semangat kak lin. InsyaAllah.. selagi hayat dikandung badan, selagi tu segala keringat saya curahkan untuk Irfan. mcm kak lin ckp, bertuahnya saya memiliki anak syurga mcm irfan, saya pun rasa begitu kak. tak ada gundah dlm hati saya untuk fikir ke mana hala tuju irfan di akhirat kelak.

      terima kasih lagi sekali ye kak lin...

      Delete
    2. oh no...i noticed something...

      darleen ni ade kena mengena ngan Najwa ke? K.lin baca entry psal raya & ternampak Najwa...fyi najwa tu my coursemate masa kat kolej dulu...what a small world...kirim slm kat najwa ye...

      Delete
    3. oh kak lin, kak najwa tu kakak ipar saya. insyaAllah, nnt saya sampaikan..

      Delete
  17. InsyaAllah darleen akan makin kuat tiap ari. Irfan pun comel.. Alhamdulillah irfan dpt ibu mcm darleen.. Sangat tabah.. Im so proud knowing u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. terima kasih Mizah. InsyaAllah.. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan kami dunia akhirat.. terima kasih..

      Delete

  18. Darleen..i stumble upon ur twitter n found this post
    Ure such a strong lady, eventhou we knew each other just for a very short time..im hoping that evrythng is fine for you n.family

    Allah knows best..u have your angel on earth
    Have faith n be strong dear - jasmin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hai jasmine. thank you for your wishes and encouragement. Thank you dear..

      Delete
  19. assalammualaikum...sedihnyer baca kisah2 awak..just nk kongsi, awk kuat..ujian awk lg besar Allah bg..tp saya pun ada ujian juga dgn anak2..kadang2 kerap putus asa...InsyaAllah saya dpt bljar dari awak mcm mana nk teruskan hidup n diberi kekuatan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. waalaikumsalam... terima kasih.. inn shaa Allah, kita sama2 kuat, kalau tak, kita takkan ada di sini seperti harini.. kan??

      Delete